


Twenty-Two Short Films About Dog River, except they're not films, they're stories, and there's more like several all together than twenty-two, but they are fairly short.

by livii



Category: Corner Gas
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2007
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 10:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1383739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livii/pseuds/livii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is weird," Karen says. "Really weird, even by Dog River standards, and that's saying a lot."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twenty-Two Short Films About Dog River, except they're not films, they're stories, and there's more like several all together than twenty-two, but they are fairly short.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hkath](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=hkath).



> Huge thanks to Lunacow for her excellent beta reading; this story is better many, many times over due to her input and help.

 

 

"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a louse."

"Uh, Hank, I think you mean _mouse_ ," Lacey says, staring up at the ceiling. "Oh, god, why did I drink so much eggnog? I can't move."

"You've got mice in your house?" Brent says, sitting up suddenly. "I'm lying on your floor, and there's mice? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't have _mice_ ," Lacey says, "I was just - "

"It's okay," Hank says, closing the book. "I had ants last year, I won't judge you."

"Hank, you always have ants and bugs and other horrible things breeding in your house," Lacey says. "And I do judge you for it. It's part of the reason we're having our holiday cheer at my house, and not yours."

"Not much good in that if you have mice crawling around," Brent says.

"Do mice really _crawl_?" Hank asks. "I'd call it _scurrying_ , myself."

Brent and Lacey both stare at him.

"When Hank's making more sense than anyone else here, it's time for everyone to go home," Lacey says.

"Don't make us go home in the blizzard!" Brent whines, pointing at the window. Outside, a solitary flake of snow drifts past.

"Dibs on the couch," Hank says, throwing himself down on it.

"Why were we lying on the floor when there was a couch there all along?" Brent asks.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Lacey says. "Come on, you can share with me, but if you snore, you go home."

Brent raises his eyebrows, and catches Hank's eye.

Hank shrugs. "No switchbacks," he says, and he stretches out and bumps his head on the lamp on the end table. "Ow. Stupid place for a lamp."

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night," Lacey says, rolling her eyes and heading off to grab pillows.

"Huh, good ending," Hank says. "She should write to those book people and get them to include it."

"Why did we invite Hank along, anyway?" Lacey calls out from the back room.

"Seemed like a good idea at the time," Brent says. "Hey, do you have any pyjamas I can wear? I like ones with robots or cowboys on them."  


  
*** * ***   


  
"Last ones on duty," Wanda says, drinking deeply from her beer. "What a holiday."  
  
"No, _I'm_ the last one on duty," Karen says. " _You_ just decided to crash my shift. I'm still not sure you should be drinking in here. And it's three days until Christmas yet."  
  
"Not on duty," Wanda says, waving her bottle happily.  
  
"You just...okay, okay, just take your empties with you when you go, all right?"  
  
"You're a saint," Wanda says.  
  
"Hey, why aren't you over at Lacey's?" Karen asks.  
  
"Someone had to man the gas station! Or woman it, I should say. You're a woman. You could do it."  
  
"You are so drunk," Karen says. "Let me get my camera!"  
  
"No pictures," Wanda says, holding out her hand and getting it right in Karen's face. "I don't do interviews. Stop turning this place into a tabloid."  
  
"Get your hand out of my face," Karen replies. Wanda responds by putting her other hand on Karen's shoulder.  
  
"Okay, now that's two hands, and I don't know why," Karen says.  
  
"You should have a drink," Wanda says. "Davis is out at Oscar and Emma's helping them carve Christmas jack-o'-lanterns, he won't be back, lighten up."  
  
"I thought pumpkins were just for Halloween," Karen says, "and now that hand is on my boob. One of those hands. No, now both. I still don't know why."  
  
"You're a very lovely woman," Wanda says, "and I'm not _that_ drunk."  
  
"This is weird," Karen says. "Really weird, even by Dog River standards, and that's saying a lot."  
  
"I think you'll find," Wanda replies, impressively pulling off her shirt with only minimal loss of contact with Karen's breasts, "that throughout history women have loved women far more than popular wisdom would have you believe. Take Sappho and her poetry for example. Now, while most of her work is lost, the vast majority of scholars agree -"  
  
"Show off," Karen says, pulling her shirt off as well and leaning in to kiss Wanda.  
  
"Well, yes, there's that too," Wanda says.  


  
*** * ***   


  
"I carved a Santa face into mine," Davis says, displaying his pumpkin cheerfully. "For the holidays, you know."  
  
"I knew it was worth it to put those extra pumpkins in the cold cellar," Oscar says. "Oh, Emma said it was a waste of space, but look at what we have now!" He turns his pumpkin around.  
  
"Beautiful reindeer," Davis says, nodding his head.  
  
"It's a _tree_ , jackass," Oscar replies. "Hey, I had a knife right here to carve the next one!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Emma says, walking over from the counter, "I didn't realize you were using this one." She hands the knife back.  
  
"This is dull now!" Oscar complains. "And bent! Into a circle!"  
  
"It's okay, Oscar," Davis says, "we still have to bake pumpkin pies with the insides. That's the best part of Christmas!" He waves around a clump of pumpkin goop, scattering it around the kitchen.  
  
"Get the oven ready, honey, we're baking!" Oscar says.  


  
*** * ***   


  
"Empty tonight," Fitzy says, sitting at the bar.  
  
"Everyone's got family to go see, I suppose," Paul says. "Another drink, mayor?"  
  
Before he can reply, they hear a large booming noise off in the distance. They both turn -  


  
*** * ***   


  
"Mighty nice fire," Wanda says. "Look at her burn! Pop! There goes another one!"  
  
"Let me get this straight," Karen says. "Oscar, you said Emma threw 'pumpkin guts' at you, so you and Davis decided to just burn all the pumpkins out back by the woodpile."  
  
"She just threw them at me!" Oscar complains, dripping with stringy pulp. "Just like that - no warning!"  
  
"And Brent," Karen says, turning around, "Emma called you to come over to stop them, and you brought _Hank_?"  
  
"To be fair, I was asleep at the time," Brent says.  
  
"Awake enough to be insulting my cooking," Lacey says, kicking away a piece of pumpkin that lands at her feet. "Wow, nice reindeer."  
  
"Burns better with some gasoline, doesn't it?" Hank says proudly.  
  
"I'll say!" Davis replies.  
  
"I can't help talking in my sleep!" Brent says.  
  
"Are those pyjamas pink?" Karen asks.  
  
"Lacey's mom left them here, and I'll beg you not to tease the woman for her unfortunate size," Brent says. "Besides, your shirt's on backwards. Some cop."  
  
"So I was just _saying_ that Emma could try putting a little zing into her cooking, not be so stingy with the nutmeg," Oscar says. "And - holy hell, pink pyjamas, now I've seen everything."  
  
"I didn't _mean_ to question the food at the Ruby. I was sleeping!" Brent says. "And it's cold out and my pyjamas are too small. And pink. Too pink. Normally I like cowboys and robots, but _someone_ didn't have any of those."  
  
"You're lucky if your shoes match on a good day," Lacey says, "Mr. The-Soup-Is-Too-Healthy."  
  
"Hey, we're all together on Christmas Eve Eve Eve!" Hank says, waving his hands for quiet. "It's a Christmas miracle! God bless us, everyone."  
  
"Shut up, Tiny Tim," Wanda says, "unless you've got some turkey. Wow, I'm _starving_."  
  
"There's still plenty of eggnog back at my house," Lacey offers, "but I haven't got enough pyjamas for everyone, I have to warn you."  
  
"Sleepover!" Davis says, clapping his hands together excitedly.  
  
"Weren't we probably supposed to do some police work?" Karen says. "Or that volunteer firefighter thing that was brought up once but then never mentioned again?"  
  
"Not on Christmas Eve Eve Eve," Davis says. "Not when there's eggnog to drink. Besides, it'll burn itself out. Last one to Lacey's house is a grinch!"  
  
"Christmas in Dog River," Lacey says, watching everyone rush over to their cars.  
  
"You have the best chili cheese dogs in the world," Brent says. Lacey laughs.  
  
"Come on," she says, "as soon as I open up tomorrow I'll make you one. For now, Hank's sitting in the back of the car and I don't trust him not to break something."  
  
"My heart is three times bigger already," Brent says. "Or my stomach. I'm not sure."  
  
From the parking lot comes loud honking; Lacey laughs again, and takes Brent's hand.  
  
"Come on, your pinkness," she says. Brent smiles.  
  
And everyone had a joyous and blessed holiday season, at least until Oscar used Lacey's best towels to wipe the pumpkin guts off his face, Wanda passed out in the bathtub from mixing beer and eggnog, and Hank actually did break the lamp.  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> Import of my Yuletide 2007 story. Saving the comments here too for posterity:
> 
> From: cmshaw  
> Date: 01/03/2008 This is hysterically funny, and I love it!
> 
> From: Runawayblue  
> Date: 01/01/2008 Aww, this was cute! The dialogue was good, and in character, to boot. I liked reading it!   
> Interesting Karen/Wanda there... I never expected that. Ever XD But you wrote it convincingly!   
> Nice job! I'm so so happy to be reading Corner Gas fic that other people wrote who weren't me. Lovely! 
> 
> From: Crantz  
> Date: 12/30/2007 Wow, you really got the banter down pat and in character. I liked it!
> 
> From: Zulu  
> Date: 12/27/2007 This is great! I can hear all their voices, and it's nicely weird in all the best ways.
> 
> From: min  
> Date: 12/27/2007 this is just delightfully perfect. <3
> 
> From: Sadie Flood  
> Date: 12/26/2007 This is so awesome. Even the title is hilarious. And Wanda! And Karen!   
> Excellent work. :)
> 
> From: idella  
> Date: 12/25/2007 This is great! Just like watching the show, only with bonus femslash!   
> Perfect title. :)
> 
> From: hkath  
> Date: 12/25/2007 Sorry about the spamming. You're awesome :)
> 
> From: trishkit  
> Date: 12/25/2007 God I love Oscar. Everyone was perfectly Corner Gasian. Great Work!
> 
> From: hkath  
> Date: 12/25/2007 Dude! This is amazing!! I spent the whole time howling with laughter and clapping my hands like a toddler! Robots! Cowboys! You put in the Wanda/Karen I randomly suggested! And you GOT Wanda, oh my god. Her rambling about Sappho? klag;k   
> Actually you have everyone down pat, it's fabulous. Christmas pumpkins! Everything Davis says has me in stitches here.   
> You've made my Christmas far more hilarious and sweet! I don't even know what to say! Thank you so much!!!
> 
> From: Northlight  
> Date: 12/25/2007 Awesome! I think that you really got the characters' voices down pat.


End file.
